Big Fish in a Little Pond

It has been 7 weeks…

So, yeah – I’d been considering “semi-retirement” for a few months. I hadn’t taken the plunge, however, waiting to see if this new position in our newly acquired company would pan out. It is so interesting to me that in the matter of 10 days, things can so drastically change.

I had been offered the part-time position of my “late in my career” dreams, and was excited to start real projects, and working with my soon-to-be supervisor on changing the culture of the organization, when I got the call, “Chayne, we need to tell you – we no longer need your services.” Gut-punch! Within just a few days of being told that the part-time position was mine for the taking. Funny…life has a way…

  • I spent at least three weeks obsessing about money (don’t we all?). My father was a life saver in that aspect. He was kind enough to review my finances & declare, “Char, I think you are going to be OK.” After a very slim outline of a plan, he was off, and my heart (and stomach) felt lighter (thank you, dad)!
  • I spent a week obsessing about unemployment. The organization said, “We won’t contest unemployment.” What does that really mean? I still had to jump through hoops that my master’s degree brain couldn’t figure out, & I am still not sure how that will all work out!
  • I spent at least a week trying to get worker’s comp figured out. Again, my master’s degree brain couldn’t really figure it all out (and still can’t). And, again, still not really sure how it will all work out.
  • Week 6 – FINALLY! I came to some type of revelation where I could actually put all of that away. I (somehow) was able to really internalize what it meant to let it go- let’s face it, if none of it worked out, it would still be OK.

And…here it is week 7. Today, I find myself in a bit of a pity party – well, as my mother once said, “Someone has to feel sorry for you.” Really, the thought all morning has been, “What is my true worth?” What has my life looked like from the outside:

Reading, cleaning, feeding cats, letting cats out, mending, cleaning, letting cats in, cooking, cleaning, cooking, walking Jeeps, feeding Jeeps, feeding cats, letting cats out, walking Jeeps, feeding cats, cleaning, cooking…YIKES!

And today, I awoke with some feeling of emptiness. “What is a life worth?” I asked myself – especially if one is not giving? What is giving? Surely all of the above-listed items are examples of giving. Who am I here to impress? Really, is my life about what others say about me? How others perceive me? Am I all about being that big fish in a little pond? Ah, now I see the purpose of my life, at this time, or maybe the actual purpose of life? To live with the openness, what I used to call emptiness, and to really see what this openness is all about, and then to allow myself to fill it with my heart’s desires! You know that old adage, from my favorite movie of all time, “The Wizard of Oz,” by Frank Baum.

“If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard.. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.”

I would say that the “back yard” that Frank Baum spoke about is none other than the emptiness that we have, the openness that we have, and are constantly trying to fill with – Name it: shopping, eating, drinking, drugging, talking, doing, doing, doing…

So, now it’s time for me to see that openness for what it is. Because I know that I can find my heart’s desire there, I never really lost it to begin with!

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