On the morning of the first day of my new job, I have so many emotions floating around. Hmmm, a bit of excitement, throw in a dash of nervousness, and perhaps just a pinch of wondering. But…the overriding emotion has to be grief.
Why grief, I ask myself? Isn’t grief an emotion reserved for those great losses: death of a loved one, divorce, losing a very close friend? Hmmm, I ponder, what am I grieving over? What am I losing? The answer comes – Freedom!
I have grown to love having total control over my life, well, at least the notion of total control (some say that having control is just a story we tell ourselves, an illusion). Being in my home, and deciding moment to moment how my life will play out has been so sweet. It has to be one of the greatest feelings I have ever experienced! My heart was WIDE open nearly every day! Many, many years ago I read an article in a running magazine, before there was any popular culture around mindfulness. She said (greatly paraphrased) that running moved her to mindfulness; that in the moment running, she was always in the moment. Not working has given me that very opportunity; to be in the moment. Now, considering a full-time job, one that I will probably enjoy, one that I might be great at, still leaves me feeling blue. I have taken time to actually be in the moment, not thinking ahead about what was next, and not considering what happened, and perhaps what I need to do. These thoughts used to consume me, but have vanished in the space I have had – being in the moment. Fear pops in – will those thoughts come back? will they consume me again?
There are specialists who deal with grief. What would an expert say? Can you bring that mindfulness practice to your daily life; this life, while living it? Can you be in this world but not of this world? That is the question; considered throughout spiritual practices.
Now it is time – I will have to rely on my spiritual practice to uplift and support me. I will have to rely on faith. But, I have had practice. I know what to do – I have been doing it for many months now. Excitement comes back in – WOW, could it be that I can do this? I think, maybe, yes!
Let the adventure begin!